Weight: Way too much
Cigarettes: Way, way too many
Alcohol Units: Way, way, way, way, way too many

1. Learn to speak with a dashing, clever, English accent.

2. Learn to speak with a convincingly good, dashing, clever, English accent.

3. Lose 10 pounds of vanity weight and abort scary granny knickers from — scratch that — Commence to stop all food consumption a.s.a.p.!

4. I resolve to never repeat last night’s activities ever again — and for real this time — no scratch that – needs an amendment for Resolution #3. I resolve to never repeat last night’s activities again unless it’s an emergency to loose additional weight then such activities are deemed acceptable.

5. Quit smoking for good! — no scratch that — I’ll gain weight if I quit smoking. Smoking only acceptable as a meal replacement and since food will no longer be acceptable in my diet cigarettes will now be my only acceptable food source in addition to the occasional alcohol detoxification.

6. Find a handsome, wealthy, dashing bloke who is a fabulous shag.

7. I resolve to exercise at the gym everyday to attract a handsome, wealthy, dashing bloke who is a fabulous shag. Hmmm, scratch that. Cigarette diet may make it impossible to exercise at the gym but I will be fabulously thin so I resolve to go to the gym everyday, wear a skimpy exercise outfit, appear to exercise if necessary to attract a handsome, wealthy, dashing bloke who is a fabulous shag. Hmmmm….handsome, wealthy, dashing bloke who is a fabulous shag who exercises at the gym will most likely be very health conscientious and will not smoke…which could lead to many arguments given my dietary needs of fags and alcohol which could lead to multiple, heart-wrenching break-ups, no more fabulous shags, then a final break-up, then a long period without sex now having had fabulous shag which could be even more difficult. Given my state of severe depression I’ll need to smoke more cigarettes and given my weakened physical condition I’ll need to add ice cream, pasta and cheeses to my diet and many, many more alcohol units. Hmmm….this plan isn’t sounding too good.

I RESOLVE TO NEVER MAKE ANOTHER FUCKING RESOLUTION AGAIN.

Ahh…with no resolutions it looks like I’m off to a fabulous start for the New Year!

• SCREW NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!! (on YouTube)

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